Months ago, I wrote a post called Top Ten Easiest Jobs In The World. Other than a political post (in which I was actually ahead of snopes.com on debunking a rumor about Obama), the jobs post is the most viewed post I’ve ever written.
Imagine people’s surprise when they’re job hunting and they come across my drivel below.
The Top Ten Easiest Jobs In The World
A recent study was conducted by The Daily Wit’s Foundation Of, well, Foundations. You’ve probably heard of the foundation. It ranks right up there with The Bill and Melinda Gates’ Foundation, The Heritage Foundation, The Cato Institute, and The Price Is Right.
So, anyway, this study, which was scientifically conducted in my head after years of observation of different jobs, determined the top ten easiest jobs in the world. For those of you in these jobs, don’t be resentful; be thankful you don’t have to work for a living.
10. Bush’s speech writer: You don’t have to come up with anything profound; he’s going to botch it anyway. “Where wings take dream.” “Put food on your families.” “Fool me once, can’t fool me again.” Oh, just shut up and run out the clock.
9. Lifeguard at the baby pool: If anyone needs an explanation for this one, go ahead and do us all a favor and step in front of a bus.
8. Height regulation enforcer at the fair: There’s only one question on that application: “Can you say repeatedly with as redneck and disinterested a voice as possible 489 times a day, “Got to be 42″ tall. Just look at the wooden cartoon dog’s hand”?
7. Vanna White’s job, or more correctly stated, Toucher of Lighted Rectangles: No commentary needed.
6. Any government job: I’m not talking about elected officials and agency heads, but the paper pushers with benefits coming out the wazoo, who do nothing, but still act pissed when you show up at their window. I had to renew my license some time back. The worker, whose only function in life from what I could tell was to take a rubber stamp, slightly dampen it in ink, and then place it on a sheet of paper, was beside herself that I had the gall to ask her to do just what I described.
5. Whoever fills up the holy water fountain in Catholic Churches
4. Volunteers in the Mimes For Blind People Program: Ok, neither this job nor this program exists, but I start laughing just thinking about mimes performing for blind people. “What’s he doing now?” “How the hell should I know? I didn’t even know you were there until you said something.”
3. Robin of Batman and Robin Fame: Sure, the cartoonists, or whatever they’re called, gave him a “Kapow!” every now and again, but everyone know Batman did all the work.
2. Tight ends coach: “Catch. Block. Whew, I’m calling it a day. Who wants a cold one?”
1. Drummer in a country band: It’s hard to put sounds into words, but listen to any country song; I don’t care if it’s a ballad or that new stuff they call country, the drummer has the same beat, “Bomp. Shish. Bomp. Shish.” It’s basically bass drum, cymbal, bass drum, cymbal.
#9 It’s so easy because they are likely sleeping behind their sunglasses. I had to save my own kid.
#8 Don’t fuck with the carnies. They’re bitter. As they should be. My husband almost fought one awhile back.
#7 I remember her being quoted as saying that her jobs was difficult, “because you have to know the alphabet”. Can you imagine the stress?
#4 Got me rolling. Sam wants to know what’s so funny. Reminds me of something on Family Guy that I’m going to look for. “I didn’t even know you were there…”, still laughing.
#3 I wouldn’t want to be Robin. I don’t like anal. Who am I kidding? Yes I do.
.-= samsmama´s last blog ….Road Rage, Rides, Rubicon, Random Rambling =-.
SM, I started blogging for two connected reasons: (1) my wife tires of my humor and (2) I wanted to crack myself up in a format that didn’t make me look totally insane, i.e., talking to myself and laughing out loud in response. The Vanna White item above and the guy at the fair talking about the cartoon dog’s hand had me rolling at the time I wrote it.
Generally speaking, I find that the things that crack me up don’t get mentioned by readers in the comments. And that’s fine, too.
Enjoy.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/43795/family-guy-opening-ceremony
.-= samsmama´s last blog ….Road Rage, Rides, Rubicon, Random Rambling =-.
Deaf dudes in the dorm room was freaking hysterical. Thanks for posting that.
Wait a minute! So when I comment I should be focusing on what YOU found funny, rather than what I find funny? See, here I was trying to be a little bit funny myself. Obviously, I wasn’t drinking when I commented.
The Vanna thing killed me, for this reason:
Remember back in the day when they weren’t lighted, and she actually had to manually turn them? And apparently that was just *too much* work so they made it easier for her?
.-= samsmama´s last blog ….Road Rage, Rides, Rubicon, Random Rambling =-.
Your comments were funny as usual. I was simply pointing out that sometimes what some find funny enough to comment on varies from what I thought was the better part of the post.
Regarding Vanna, you pinpointed the reason I included her in this post. At one time she had to turn the squares. Then, what with all the advances we’ve had in technology, she only had to touch them. Pretty soon, she won’t have to move at all. Just stand there topless.
So then do you also remember when you won the round you took your prize money and went and “bought” items from a showcase? As in, “I’ll take the radio alarm clock for $25o.”? Usually when I mention that (not that often, mind you) people look at me like I’m insane.
.-= samsmama´s last blog ….Road Rage, Rides, Rubicon, Random Rambling =-.
Of course. No one ever bought the ceramic dalmatian because it cost $1200.
And then there was always one poor slob who won a round with only $250. Watching that person attempt to find something he could afford was like watching a poor kid at FAO Schwartz. “Um, Pat, I’ll just take the $175 macrame picture of Pocahontas.”
I literally just had a tear roll down my cheek. Man! You NAILED IT with that dalmation!
.-= samsmama´s last blog ….Road Rage, Rides, Rubicon, Random Rambling =-.
OK, just reread my comment when it posted. Really didn’t come across the way I wanted it to.
.-= samsmama´s last blog ….Road Rage, Rides, Rubicon, Random Rambling =-.
This is terrible quality, but all I can find. I’m still crying.
.-= samsmama´s last blog ….Road Rage, Rides, Rubicon, Random Rambling =-.
That is simply hilarious. Plain and simple. Oh crap, my ribs are hurting.
Oh The Foundation? Yes I heard of that. Isn’t that along the same lines of The Human Fund?
Toucher of lighted rectangles made me laugh out loud. Wouldn’t it be awesome if she were a super genius being held back in life by her blonde hair and sexiness? “You have NO idea what it’s like..typecasting is a bitch!”
I about died at your dialogue between the blind people.
Samsmama you crack me the fuck up as usual. I couldn’t get the Hulu video to play but the youtube one had me rolling.
.-= Harmony´s last blog ….Now That’s What I’m Talking About =-.
1. Wall Street CEO–stock goes up–billion dollar bonus. Company goes belly up–billion dollar bonus.
2. Study Hall teacher.
3. Yes man.
4. Weather reporter wardrobe consultant. (wear the blue slicker today Jim)
5. Golf play by play man. (it’s in da hole.)
I loved the old WOF with the buying of the crap. Was always dissatisfied when they were left with the crummy gift certificate for the last 9 bucks.
.-= travellinbaen´s last blog ….I’m a Ramblin Baen =-.