When Britney Cagle of Hot Springs, Alabama won first place in the individual meet of her kindergarten potato sack race, her father’s face beamed with pride.
“I thought the sky was the limit for my little Brit. I knew that her future in hopping-related sports was bright,” said Britney’s father Ralph Cagle as he choked back tears.
“We had already paid a substantial down payment on hopscotch camp and paid a retainer for a private coach to help her with her lemon-on-a-rope jump roping skills– you know, where you swing the lemon on the rope with one foot and jump over it with the other? She’s showed a lot of promise at that thing. But now, I don’t know. I just don’t know.”
Only hours after Britney took first place in a record shattering 7.2 seconds, the parents of her most bitter rival — Jamie McClellan — accused Britney of using a sugar-based dietary aid or, as it is more commonly known, candy.
“Did you see how that child was hopping? She looked like she’d been shot out of a cannon or had a family of fire ants stirred up in her pants. There ain’t been a 5-year old yet who could break 7.5 in the potato sack race. All of sudden we’re supposed to believe this Britney kid can do it in 7.2? Nah uh. Something’s up,” declared Earl McClellan, Jamie’s father.
Asked to provide evidence of his scandalous claim, Mr. McClellan pointed to numerous Jolly Rancher and Now And Later wrappers found in Britney’s cubby. “They ain’t allowed that many sweets during the day. Maybe an animal cracker or two, but nothing like this. The kid has definitely been dopin’.”
Mr. McClellan continued, “Another thing. Look at her form. She ain’t even a good hopper. She stands too far upright to be that fast. Throw in the fact that they was runnin’ into the wind and it’s clear — that kid was high as a kite.”
Mr. Cagle vehemently denies the doping allegations asserting that Mr. McClellan is behind the candy wrappers. “I think this is a plant. Not like a fern or a daffodil, but, I mean, I think he planted them candy wrappers. Brit don’t even like Jolly Ranchers. Not grape ones anyway.”
Mr. Cagle says he’ll fight any efforts to strip his girl of her first place ribbon. “If they want to take this up to the school district, we’ll see them there. My baby has worked too hard to give up that ribbon without a fight.”
The school district declined comment except to say, “The school district has a zero tolerance for doping. Candy-aided records are not recognized and the offending children are immediately disqualified from the race. Further, the guilty child is forced to write Bad Bunnies Don’t Win Races 1000 times.”
Mr. McClellan said the doping has to end now. “This here’s a slippery slope. Allow them to get all hocked up on Jolly Ranchers now and they’ll be free-basin’ Tootsie rolls and M&M’s before they hit second grade.”
“The only hocked up person here is Mr. McClellan. I ain’t gonna say he’s a meth head; I’ll just point out he’s a weird kind of skinny,” Mr. Cagle said in a parting shot. “And his little hyena better watch her back.”
Britney Cagle’s blue ribbon is safe for now even if it’s mired in scandal. Asked about the incident, 5-year-old Britney whispered in a sing-song voice, “I so love Justin Bieber. And purple butterflies.”
I think I know Mr. Cagle. He’s about four years older than me. We went to fourth grade together. He was always mumblin’ back then about Pixie Stix and Astro Pops. Don’t necessarily mean nothin’, the boy just mumbled about Pixie Stix and Astro Pops a lot, that’s all’s I’m sayin’.
“Not grape ones anyway.” ~ What kid doesn’t love grape flavored candy? I find that to be suspicious, no matter the flavor all kids love purple and red candy.
Bravo TDW, this is hilarious!! I can see it be reported on The Onion very clearly. I wonder if you could submit something to them???
As a displaced Alabamian, I must say that, doggone it, there are two things we take seriously…..sack-racin’ and I can’t remember the other one. We’ll do whatever it takes. Whatever. It. Takes.
This was inspired by Spirit Day at my daughters’ school. My eldest came in first in the potato sack race. I then read about the latest drama concerning Lance Armstrong. Thus, I naturally thought about my 8-year old doping up.
Fire ants in the pants? hehe… sounds itchy. And that it might make it burn when you pee. I think all of Brit’s Jolly Ranchers may be Lance Armstrong’s secret.