Posts Tagged ‘facebook’

On this the 14th anniversary of the Japanese bombing of Pearl Street, I want to wish all our vets a good day. As Teddy Roosevelt said, “This day shall live in infancy.” Wise words from our 62nd president. To think he said such wise things from that scooter because he was suffering from concussions he got from playing football at the University of Illinois-Urbana. Or Harvard, I can’t remember, but it doesn’t matter. He was a great man. He reminds me of that other great president of his time Benjamin Franklin, who also discovered energy. I wish we had good Christian leaders like those two nowadays.

Please share if you love Jesus. If not, your grandfather will get gang raped by Ebola people just like God would want.

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Working late on a Sunday is simply wrong — unless you have the night shift on a Sunday that is. When I have to suffer the injustice of working late, on a weekend, for the 12th weekend in a row, I get a little peevish. I used to turn into an a-hole. Now, though, I just want to start a little trouble.

Here are the things I’ve wanted to put on Facebook, but decided not to. I don’t necessarily believe any of the things below, but it would sure be fun to see the reactions they got.

1. Forget Margaret Thatcher. What about Hugo Chavez?

2. Mad Men sucks and people who like it are stupid.

3. I don’t give a shit how much you love God and, frankly, He doesn’t either.

4. I bet Jesus gets sick of being compared to butterfly wings and other pansy crap. I bet He would like to read, “Jesus. Now that sum-bitch had it going on.”

5. I’m going to buy one of your macraméd Bible-verse hand towels just to wipe my ass with.

6. We need a 100% black president. This one has too much honky in him.

7. About 90% of you are older Honey Boo Boos and you don’t even know it.

8. That new haircut doesn’t hide those 145 extra pounds you’re packing.

9. Click “Like” if you agree that we should ban all guns, not just assault weapons.

10. Ronald Reagan was an idiot and a terrible president.

11. Wow! Your teenage daughter looks like a bigger whore than you were at that age. I didn’t think that was possible. What’s her cell number?

12. Next time you feel like posting a picture of what you’re eating take the fork and jab it into your neck instead.

13. I think it’s great you let your kid with Down Syndrome play t-ball. Oh, he’s not retarded?

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Facebook Ideas

Let’s face it. The majority of the status updates on Facebook are downright boring (except yours, of course).

We need to help these folks come up with some better stuff. I mean, why should we suffer?

Because I like helping people out, because I’m a good guy like that, I give you the following Facebook statuses. Use them as you see fit.

1. Well, another day of being a raging alcoholic.

2. Whose kid is this?

3. Dang, my neighbor is touchy about sharing his grill without prior approval.

4. Quick: are we in the city or county? I don’t think these guys knocking on my door have jurisdiction.

5. So apparently drying moderately stained grippers out on the line is against the homeowners covenants.

6. Hollering at the guard at the drunk tank won’t help. You got to bang on the door.

7. I now know what incontinent means.

8. Anyone hiring? The mannequin at my desk didn’t fool nobody.

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1. Scorned women designed urinals, which is the only explanation for the ridiculously engineered, splash-inducing angles and contours.

2. You can’t love jazz but hate wind chimes. And vice versa.

3. There should be a cosmic safe word. People who engage in sex games have a safe word (or so I’m told) when things get uncomfortable or go too far. Well, I want one for life. I want to be able to shout out, for example, “Job!” and make things ease up for a while. By the way, that’s “Job” from the Bible, not a scream for employment. I have a job. It often causes me to shout, “Job!”

4. Chubby should be fashionable.

5. People on Facebook have to quit telling me how much they love God. These are the same people who were hell-bent on destruction back in high school and college. Declaring to your 937 friends how great God is may be a sure-fire redemption strategy, but, dammit, why should I have to be bothered with it?

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I know that as you read each and every post here you think, “Man, I’ve got to share this with my friends.” Well, I’ve just made that simpler for you.

At the end of each post is a bookmarking/email tool that allows you to share each post by simply clicking on the toolbar and deciding how you want to share the post. You can share it via email, submission to a social bookmarking site, facebook, etc. It’s the only way I’d view “going viral” as a good thing.

Either way you choose, you can now spread the word and let all your friends know just how darn witty and smart you are for finding this place.

The plugin was created by AddInto.com.

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November is National Novel Writing Month, which is a movement, program, whatever, to get people to write a novel in one month. I don’t begrudge people living out their dream to write a novel. Most people, at one time or another, feel the longing to write something meaningful.

But in a month?  What kind of quality can come in a month’s worth of writing? People like to run marathons, too, but they don’t cram all the training into 4 weeks. You’d pull a hammie doing that. People need to spread the crappy writing out over time. Take this blog for instance. I’ve laid out dreadful post after dreadful post over a period of 9 months. I didn’t try to smash all this junk together into a coherent story. I care more about my fellow man than to do that.

Speaking of horrendous writing ideas, Gov. Palin is getting a book deal? WTF? Who’s going to write it? Better yet, who’s going to read it? “I’m writing a book about my experiences that I experienced as I was experiencing them.” How do you even put a proper wink into print?

As we head into the final days before the Egg Bowl, can we agree that anyone who says, “You can throw out the record book for this game” should be shot? Yeah, I know it’s a true statement, but so is “The sun rises in the east.” But you don’t see me going around saying that.

Why is it when your team is winning, the games fly by? At my house, the Ole Miss-LSU game lasted 14 minutes. Ole Miss won on a 31-point play and that was it. I didn’t even finish my first beer before the final whistle blew.

I’ve spent some time on facebook. It’s drowned my self-esteem, so I’m going to quit it. I leave comments on friends’ pages — friends who invited me to be friends — and you can hear the crickets starting up. I’m like Kent “Flounder” Dorfman on Animal House, “You guys playing cards?”

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