I have some serious questions for God when the day comes to go see him. But those are between the Big Man and me. Here, though, are some not so serious questions that I think he should address. In no particular order, here we go (and, as always, feel free to throw in your two cents):
1. Mosquitoes. Why? I understand the food chain thing, but Google (which is very close to replacing you by the way) doesn’t turn up any reason to believe that there’s a living creature that subsists solely on mosquitoes. So, why do we need them? More important, why can’t I enjoy my yard without first calling in a Vietnam Vet flyboy to napalm the place?
2. Mustaches. I understand you’re probably going to lay this one back on us and say, “Hold on a minute. Back in the day when I talked through bushes and split seas, men wore beards. Those below the nose caterpillars are your doing.” Well, that great and all, God, but you created us. By the way, your son said that even the hairs on our heads are counted. Does that include the hairs in Tom Selleck’s mustache, and that guy wearing the wife beater with the gold chain? Or this guy? (And I won’t utter a word about the fact that HE’S A SUCKASS BASEBALL PLAYER!!!)
3. Why does my golden retriever, and most dogs, like to roll on dead animals? I’ve Googled (see comment #1) this question and the theories are plentiful, but the definitive answers are not. Therefore, I need to hear from you. I’m tired of letting my dog out only to find him coming home with a big dog smile on his face and half a frog on his back. Every now and then he finds a roadkill squirrel and you’d think he’d hit the lottery.
4. Bigfoot. Why won’t you let us find one? I mean, besides the one that appears next to all my comments. Or maybe the question should be phrased, Why won’t you enable us to find one? I have a feeling that your answer is, “Because there aren’t any, Dimwit.” But why can’t we have one? If we could really find one, we could stop creating them in our heads. And idiots in Kansas and Nebraska, of all places b/c they have no damn woods for Bigfoots to live in, could stop looking like fools and declaring to the local Channel 5 human interest reporter (who moonlights as the local child molester) that, “Yeah, we seen a Bigfoot. He was 10 feet tall if he was 2. He seen me and I seen him. Then he tore off into that cornfield, on account of we ain’t got no trees for them to be hiding behind.” We could also have our attention turned from whether Britney, Lindsay, or Paris got a DUI — at least for a couple of days.
5. Ghosts. Why won’t you let us find one? See comment #4. I understand you sent the Holy Spirit, but that’s not the same thing. He’s a good guy. I’m talking the sheet-wearing, chain-rattling, always moaning, throwing a picture frame across the room, Linda Blair kind. Having said that, I don’t want one in my house, but it would make life more interesting if we had them.
6. Why does metabolism vary so much from person to person? I know a guy who can make a pizza buffet owner cry, and he has a 32″ inch waist. I, on the other hand, just typed the word “pizza” and gained 5 pounds. This question has 2 parts. The second is why does weight gather in different places on people? I saw a lady at the mall who had not an ounce of fat in her face, but it looked like she was trying to shoplift 14 legs of lamb in her pants. That’s not fair. On a personal note, my legs are just as muscular as they were when I played college tennis. On the other hand, my face looks like I’m a squirrel gathering nuts for the winter. That’s really, really not fair because it involves me.
7. Why did you make me an Ole Miss fan? Don’t give me that free will cop out of an answer either. I can’t quit loving them and they can’t quit punching me in the stomach. It’s like battered women’s syndrome. I’m Julia Roberts and Ole Miss is lining up soup cans in my kitchen while I’m out seeing that other college (see “Sleeping With The Enemy” if that flew right past you.)
8. Why did you lead me to a hot, humid place? If your answer is that you’re preparing me for Hell, I’m not buying it. I shout you out to the peeps all the time and, off this blog, you know we got our thing going on. You lead Moses through the desert to Egypt to free the Israelites. Dandy. He was on a mission and it required transversing a desert to get there. John the Baptist lived in the desert/wilderness, but you put your word in him so that he could preach to the masses. Aces. But what the hell am I doing in the hottest, most humid state in the country? I have no mission here. Granted I have a mayor who thinks he’s a pharaoh, but I have a feeling that if I show up at city hall with a stick (we don’t call them rods or staffs anymore) and demand that “he let my people go,” they’re going to put me in a white one-size-fits-all sports coat and lock me away for “observation.” Also, even if I get to throw my stick down before getting hauled off, am I wrong in betting that it’s not going to turn into a cobra, cottonmouth, or even a garter snake for that matter?
9. Why are there people who go to baseball games and yell “Air ball” when the opposing batter hits a foul ball or fails to hit the ball at all? Again, if you’re going to hit me with the free will answer, I’m going to point out again that you created these folks. Subpart question: when you first saw that there were people acting with such nonsense, did you direct Moses to re-write Genesis to leave out that part about us being created “in your image”?
10. Why do humans like nice neat numbers like Top Ten? Why is Top Nine so less desirable? Another way of putting this question to you is, Why do you allow writer’s block? I can’t think of a 10th non-serious question to save my life. Please shoot me an answer quickly if you can. People don’t stay on blogs very long, so if I don’t get something soon, this lame piece is going to press with only 9 real questions. And they don’t come back for a “Hey, I got it now. The 10th one just hit me” update.
The Daily Wit 
Your so dumb!!!
Perhaps. But I guess you’re a downright, absolute idiot considering you can’t correctly type a simple 3-word sentence.
Quick lesson: “your” is a possessive pronoun. Let me think if I can use it in an illustration. Hmmmm. Oh, here we go. “Your idiotic ass left a stupid comment on my website.” So, if you meant to use the possessive pronoun, you then typed what’s called a sentence fragment because you didn’t say what my “so dumb” whatever did or did not do.
Assuming you meant to type that I’m so dumb, then you should have used what’s called a contraction — I would point out that I’m not talking about a contraction that a woman would have during labor b/c chances are you’ve never been around a woman, much less one that you’ve had sex with and impregnated. A proper contraction in the sentence you were probably trying to type, but couldn’t due to the just-emptied bottles of Mad Dog lying around your feet, would be “you’re” as in “you are.” I hope this helps, but I doubt it will considering trolls such as yourself rarely make a return visit after depositing your (see the correct usage there) crap and moving on. So, I’ll probably visit your site and leave a couple of choice words for you. Do you own a dictionary? I may use some multisyllabic words and I don’t want to confuse you. “Multisyllabic” means words with more than one syllable. “Dumb” is what’s called monosyllabic. Idiot (you) is multisyllabic: id-i-ot. See, those are 3 syllables — probably matches up with your tooth count.
BAHAHAHA!!!
(Not the post, but the comments)
So the post wasn’t funny? Damn.
Quite funny!
truthbear-stay in your hate-spittin’ blog corner
rebecca(the great)..great what?
I think the heat is getting to you B. It has you all short tempered, or perhaps it’s the mosquito / heat combo.
The blog and the responses were witty and funny. You still have it, even under duress.
Now get rid of those tidy whities and go commando for a few days (that will help with the heat), and purchase yourself a WWII flame thrower off the internet (that will help with the skeeters). Then spend the next couple of days going caddy shack around the hood. Let me know how it goes.
First, thanks for the shout out truthlizard. BK, good suggestions as always. I just went to the NRA’s website and ordered 2 flamethrowers, 5 daisy cutters, and a tank (just to intimidate my neighbors), and 6 2nd Amendment drapes for the wifey.
Second, I went to truthbear’s website and, dang, he is one big hater. He’s one of those “God Hates Fags!” people. You know the type — the ones who have an asterisk in their Bible next to Jesus’ command to love our neighbors and the footnote says, “except those who are different from you.”
Anyway, he claims to be some religious detective who reveals false doctrines. I left him the message below, not so much b/c he called me dumb (I can actually agree with him on that) but b/c his last post is a hate-filled rant against homosexuals that includes a picture of a baby emaciated by some disease that I can only assume is AIDS. Bottom line: it’s pure hate, and the guy is too big of an idiot to realize that babies can’t be born from men, so even if homosexuality is sinful, that poor child deserves nothing but compassion, not ridicule from a halfwit.
Here’s what I said to him:
I’m here only because you saw fit to leave a comment on my website calling me dumb. Your direct quote was, “Your so dumb!!!” Considering you can’t type a simple 3-word sentence correctly, I left a brief English lesson on my site should you have the integrity to go back there (or are you just a troll?).
Further, I note that you claim to be some type of exposer of false doctrine and false preachers. Have you called yourself out yet? From my brief perusal (that means review) of your site, all I can see is hate. The Jesus of my Bible didn’t care too much for that. So, you could probably start with yourself on the list of false preachers and call it a day; start afresh tomorrow after you’ve had a chance to recharge the mental batteries that run that hyper-intellect you display.
Or are you like O.J., who we can only assume is still out there doggedly trying to find Nicole’s killer when he need only look in the mirror to find him? Except when he’s robbing people in hotel rooms, that is.
I will sleep better knowing you are there to educate backward ass, slow witted biggots like truthlizard. Unfortunately he will still think he his doing Gods work.
P. S.
Knowing you have beautifull daughters, and being a new father of two wonderfull sons, I think you have to ask how such terrible smelling poo can come out of something so innocent and beautifull.
It has been 22 years since English 101 so please disregard any gramatical mistakes.
Just in case truthlizard ever comes back to my site, let me be clear, truthlizard is cool (b/c (s)he thought my post was funny).
Truthbear is the a-hole who hates gays so much that he’s undoubtedly gay himself and filled with self-loathing.
You are correct that he will continue his quest to spread his venom across the world wide web. I’m sure he’s already alienated everyone in his community so the www is the only outlet he has left.
And you ask a very poignant question. How can so much hatred come into being from what was probably a wonderful little kid? Well, a big “thank you” to whoever deranged that guy.
My apologies to truthlizard.
You are giving me to much credit with the post script. That was my poor attempt at being funny. I meant that as question #10 for God. Having changed countless diapers it amazes me what can come out of my sons. I guess from now on I will have to use the despised and overused prompt – lol.
No, I’m an idiot. I thought you were saying how could such hatred come from someone who was once an innocent kid. Now I get it — and please never “lol” me. I agree it’s overused, and I’ve banned it from this site.
That is a great question for God. Luckily, my allergies are so bad that I’ve lost my sense of smell. I can change diapers without flinching.
You know, I wonder about that icky smell thing with dogs, too.
You know, we have that same instinct. But our moms knock it out of us. I know this is true because of the way my babies/toddlers behaved. They loved stinky things. The stinkier the better. Smelly socks, etc. A friend of mine once told me that she once found her baby son chewing on something horribly stinky. As she scraped it out of his mouth, she discovered it was his own excrement.
My dog did that a couple days ago to my other dog’s doodoo.
So, the bigger question is: why do WE like stink?
“So, the bigger question is: why do WE like stink?”
I’m definitely blaming that one on God.
I’m really surprised and upset one of YOUR questions to God wouldn’t be about Pluto. I mean we’re told as children it’s the 9th planet. Hell, I bet most of us over 30 yrs old made a styrofoam solar system and Pluto was right there with the other eight planets. Now some snooty ass astronomer (or is it astrologer) tells us it doesn’t display the characterstics of a planet anymore. It’s basically a ball of ice. Why God create this planet and tease all the little children in the world? Is it a planet or a ball of ice? To all the people living on Pluto…you will always be a planet to me.
While I’m on the subject, what’s the point of the red storm on Jupiter? I mean a category 20 hurricane that’s 5 times the size of the Earth and it never ends!!! Can you imagine what homeowners insurance must cost for Jupitarians living inside the storm. I can hear the conversations now…”Hey Baldar, you up for golf this weekend?” “I would love to Comstane but it’s supposed to be 500 mph winds and a 100% chance of heavy rain, wind, hail and F-10 tornadoes…me and the wife will probably hangout out in the shelter all weekend”.
I don’t know if you caught it B, but several hurricane names were recently retired. I don’t have the list but is that the dumbest crap ever? “Congrats to Katrina, Opal and Iris…you all are going into the hurricane hall of fame. We applaud you destructive winds, storm surge and most of all the billions of dollars and loss of life you caused”.
PS – I thought we saw a ghost one time or was that just some random wind?
You stole my thunder. I was going to devote a complete post to poor Pluto — what a screw job it took. But I don’t think I can compete with your comment. You must be drinking to get that much funniness in such a succinct comment.
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