Rankings
Posted by supercynic on April 24, 2008
I’ve decided — albeit belatedly — to take hicker up on his invitation to open the debate about which athletes are the best athletes. As with everything, I have a strong opinion about this. Granted, this question doesn’t conform to a clean debate in that it can be somewhat of an apples to oranges comparison. But, this is a blog and not the Ivy League Academic Bowl. So, here goes.
GOOD ATHLETES:
1. Cyclists: these guys have the stamina of ………..things that have lots of stamina, and it takes skill to ride all bunched up like that and not have wrecks. Of course now that I type that it hits me that schools of fish do the same thing and no one would classify them as skillful. Anyway, I’m sticking with cyclists for pure athleticism.
2. Soccer players: yes, it’s boring, but damn they run and run and run. When I played college tennis (the worst Division II player in the country), we practiced next to the soccer team and I was always so thankful that I didn’t have to run like that. Then a tennis ball would hit me in the head and the coach would yell, “Quit staring at the soccer players. What’re you, some kind of homo?”
3. Tennis players: lots of quick movements, hand-eye coordination, and you definitely need stamina, especially playing on hard courts in the South where the on-court temps can reach into the 100s. Plus, it’s not easy returning a ball coming at you at 120 mph into a 27′ x 49′ space.
4. (good) NFL quarterbacks: memorizing a gazillion plays, audibling out of bad plays, going through your rotations for your receivers, dodging tacklers, and still managing to throw the ball to your own player is bewildering. Throw in a couple of hard-hitting sacks and you’ve got to be tough to be good at this position. By the way, can anyone remember what university the current Super Bowl MVP played at? I can’t remember. Oh yea, now I’ve got it — THE University of Mississippi, Ole Miss, or The Place Miss. State People Wished They Went.
5. (lightweight) Boxers: The big guys just throw bombs and then hold, but the little guys not only go after each other nonstop, they also have incredible hand-eye coordination, and there’s tons of skill involved in being a good defender — a perfect example is Floyd Mayweather. You simply cannot hit that guy. And I’ve witnessed his skills live in person in Las Vegas when he fought Oscar de la Hoya (thanks sweet wifey). I was 5 rows back from Will Farrell, John Cusack, and Jim Carey, so I guess you could say we all hung out together that night.
NOT GOOD ATHLETES:
1. Baseball players: Shut up, I don’t want to hear it. They suck.
2. These guys. They call it bossaball. I call it stupid-made-up-crap ball. It was invented by dorks who could do flips on a trampoline and then realized they were in their 20s and still jumping on trampolines. So they decided to throw a volleyball into the mix and call it a sport. I wish they would go away and/or someone would just walk up and hit them with a baseball bat. Hey, there’s something you suckass baseball players can do for the good of mankind.
3. And definitely not this kid.
Yack said
I would have to agree with most of your analysis. I would add tri-athletes to the best athletes. My idea of a triathalon is drinking, eating and sleeping.
As far as the worst athletes:
Luge riders: As far as I can tell the players get in the Luge and pray for dear life. In fact, I think we need to form our own Olympic Luge team.
Nascar: They have balls of steel, but do you need to be a good athlete to press the accelerator and turn left for a few hours.
supercynic said
Tri-athletes. I can’t believe I forgot them; definitely top athletes. Do you think team lugers get pissed off at each other when they crash?
“You twitched!”
“No I didn’t.”
“I’m in the back you idiot, I saw you.”
“Well, your skate tapped my helmet and I thought you were trying to get my attention.”
“Right, we’re going 140 mph in an ice tunnel riding on a 2′ x 4′ and I’m tapping you to say, ‘Hey, the sun’s coming out.’”
Nascar: screw ‘em. If Will Ferrell can do it, how hard can it be?
hicker said
(Mrs. Hicker here…)
We vote for swimmers. Definitely the HARDEST part of the triathlon.
And thanks, dude…I am RIGHT NOW having to listen to Mr. Hicker go on and on and on about why baseball players are indeed good athletes. Not listening….Not listening…..
Ultra-marathoners & Iron Man (I think Iron Man tops the list).
Skateboarding & snowboarding. I really don’t think I could do that. Perhaps that is more balance & skill than athleticism.
worst – Curling.
From Hicker – Billiards.
Final thought – yes, the volleyball on trampoline is unbelievably stupid…BUT, have you tried to jump on a trampoline lately? It is so NOT FUN anymore…when did that happen?
hicker said
Mrs. Hicker here again. For the record, I did not add that little emoticon up there. My over-use of the “…….” followed by a closing parenthesis. DAMN YOU BILL GATES.
supercynic said
Are you telling me that you let hicker dictate this comment to you? Can that coward not get on here on debate me about baseball like a man? No wonder he likes baseball — all those sissies stick together.
Swimming is a good one. Water polo players also have lots of stamina. Ultra-marathoners do have lots of stamina, but they’re athletes in the same sense that David Blaine can stand on a pole for 3 days.
The only thing I like about skateboarders is when they rack themselves on the handrail. Other than that, they’re bossaball players–grown ups who insisted that their juvenile behavior was a sport.
Curling is a great example of a crappy “sport.” The thing is someone invented that and then someone else approved of it. Had I been the 1st person that saw this new “sport,” I would have told them that was the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen and they needed to get a job. Then I’d tell them to put the stone back in the garden and give me my damn broom back while I muttered, “Sweeping ice for a freakin’ stone to scoot along. What kind of retards are we raising here?”
hicker said
The REAL Hicker here. I was dictating while folding clothes no less, so my manliness factor already precludes me from weighing in, but I will anyway.
I still stick with my conclusion after hearing many arguments for multiple sports. Mind you, this is my list based on overall athleticism needed to play the sport (skill positions for those sports that have multiple positions). Speed, agility, hand-eye coordination, strength, endurance, game/sport intelligence, quickness, patience, and focus.
1. Baseball
2. Boxing
3. Football
4. Basketball
5. Hockey
http://floatoncloudnine.blogspot.com/2008/03/mlb-why-baseball-is-best-outdoor-sport.html
I would put tennis up there, but don’t want to stroke supercynic’s ego.
I would point out, though, that 20 years ago when I had this debate with Matthew Bradford and Dave Reed, we concluded that in order to debate this properly, you need to separate “individual sports” from “team sports”.
The above list reflects that I put team sports generally ahead of individual sports, mainly because I never had a chance to excel at individual sports due to my non-athleticism, so have always gravitated to team sports, where I can hide behind the real athletes.
supercynic said
Why on earth did you just break the cardinal rule of stating publicly, so that a wife could see, what you do around the house to help her? Now all husbands will get hit with “why can’t you be more like hicker?!” Unbelievable.
Well, let me post a quick response as I wash the dishes, mop the floors, wash the baseboards, as well as my wife’s car. I agree that team/individual sports comparisons are somewhat apples and oranges.
I can get behind those team sports you named (except baseball of course) and hockey. Hockey? Ok, there’s some skill involved in any sport. But, I can’t get past the year long season. They’re worse than baseball. One day a guy is hoisting the Stanley Cup and the next day he’s suiting up for the pre-season.
Also, hockey teams pick bad names. What the hell is a Canuck? Further, it’s lame to name your team after the topographical area on which you stand, e.g., the NY Islanders or the Montreal Canadiens. Granted that has nothing to do with athleticism, but I always digress.
Everyone should know by now that I have no ego, so it’s ok to put tennis in there. Doubles is even more difficult in terms of rapid response/hand-eye coordination, but it’s lacking in terms of stamina, which is why you always see 118-year old men playing doubles while the ball travels at a gravity-defying 6 mph.